Then I would post something about my amazing husband who may have been a part of a major (and I mean fucking major) Taliban drug cache discovery. Fuck yeah, babe. He makes me proud every day. Whether he's home with me, picking his ass and drinking beer, or across the world fucking with the Taliban's primitive hijinks. Although, fucking with the Taliban is WAY more sexy... I'm just saying.
In other news: I changed the biggest shitty diaper I've ever seen in my life today. I can tell my son will grow up to be a very dedicated man because when he committed himself to shitting his pants this afternoon he more than exceeded my expectations of his capabilities. I had just picked him up and laid him on the changing table and as I peeled away layers of baby clothes I found myself wiping shit out of his armpits. I'm heroic too, right?
See? I should have been sleeping but instead I'm up and writing this shit... Goodnight.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
H..h..hello?
Anybody here?
It's been a while. Life is crazy. Things are good. I miss this place, but I like sleeping more than I like blogging. Call me crazy.
It's been a while. Life is crazy. Things are good. I miss this place, but I like sleeping more than I like blogging. Call me crazy.
Monday, September 21, 2009
A Year Without Banedad
Dear brothers,
We’re all a little bit like him in our own way and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Some of us drink too much. Some of us enjoy our solitude a little more than is considered normal. Some of us are more brilliant than the masses yet refuse to exploit ourselves. And maybe those descriptions could apply to us all in some way. But if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have each other and I don't know what I would do without you three.
He had a twinkle in his eye. Sometimes it was scary, like a warning sign. But the resident twinkle was a vortex. We were all like crows drawn to silver, we that witnessed it.
A year has gone by and I’m still favoring this wound.
September 22nd 2008. Even mentioning the date makes me want to repress memories and pretend the whole thing never happened. But here it is, the anniversary of a tragedy is ready to greet me in the morning. Maybe I'll be back here tomorrow to approach this subject in the only way that helps me cope. But for now I'm imagining that I will be putting a lot of effort into getting tomorrow over with.
We’re all a little bit like him in our own way and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Some of us drink too much. Some of us enjoy our solitude a little more than is considered normal. Some of us are more brilliant than the masses yet refuse to exploit ourselves. And maybe those descriptions could apply to us all in some way. But if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have each other and I don't know what I would do without you three.
He had a twinkle in his eye. Sometimes it was scary, like a warning sign. But the resident twinkle was a vortex. We were all like crows drawn to silver, we that witnessed it.
A year has gone by and I’m still favoring this wound.
September 22nd 2008. Even mentioning the date makes me want to repress memories and pretend the whole thing never happened. But here it is, the anniversary of a tragedy is ready to greet me in the morning. Maybe I'll be back here tomorrow to approach this subject in the only way that helps me cope. But for now I'm imagining that I will be putting a lot of effort into getting tomorrow over with.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Of God and Satan
Such an obsession of the two. Movies, Hollywood, cults, tattoos, church. A name for good and evil we prescribe. Such a growing culture of idiot numb-nuts wanting to belong to something bigger than themselves. But Buddhists are hanging out in the back trying to be something smaller than themselves. Altruism VS idolatry perhaps. Although an altruistic lifestyle is unattainable because it is the most selfish endeavor to achieve such as it is a constant effort towards self reformation. Maybe the noblest form of worship is to not give a shit. For in the holy act of not giving a shit one is elevated to a consciousness beyond that of the God worshipper or the one whom worships oneself.
Put that in your butthole and smoke it.
Put that in your butthole and smoke it.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It Hit Home
I'm not going to get into this too much right now because I'm tired and a little on edge and the brain power just isn't there. Basically Husband's unit has only been gone about two months and we have been getting regular e-mails and notifications of fatalities and wounded soldiers ever since. So far no one that I have known personally has come through but it's a fear I face every time I check my e-mail.
On Monday a 1st Lt and a Sgt from Bravo company in Husband's Battalion were killed by and IED, Husband is in Alpha company. I know he's been out on patrols for weeks at a time, and from what he's been able to tell me it's been pretty heated. I've been doing good with everything until now. That e-mail made it real to me. Husband is a 1st lieutenant and I can't stop thinking that it could have been him. Every time I hear something from outside of my house I have a flash of fear that it's the Casualty Notification Officers.
Please pray for all of those families of the fallen. It's something that's said a lot, but I just thought I'd throw a little reminder out there.
Update:
First of all, I'm dum. I keep forgetting that Husband is a captain now, but he's still a platoon leader.
Second of all the day after I wrote this post he called me to tell me that he lost his first man. A Sgt. in his platoon was bitten by a tick. I don't know all the details clearly, but there was an outbreak disease or something and he was flown to Germany where his family joined him and he later passed. You go to war and of all the things... a tick. Thank you all for your positive thoughts and prayers. I, for one, am overwhelmed by the situation and when I make the effort to pray to the God that I do believe in I am stricken with the question that maybe my prayers have nothing to do with the ultimate Plan. Or whatever. Men will fight, people will die. Peace is an ever present question and a motive on a horizon that many parched citizens see as a mirage. This, however, does not change the fact that many good men and women are fighting and dying for something that they believe in. Views clash and people die. Maybe it is for this view I hold that I could not be considered the typical military wife.
On Monday a 1st Lt and a Sgt from Bravo company in Husband's Battalion were killed by and IED, Husband is in Alpha company. I know he's been out on patrols for weeks at a time, and from what he's been able to tell me it's been pretty heated. I've been doing good with everything until now. That e-mail made it real to me. Husband is a 1st lieutenant and I can't stop thinking that it could have been him. Every time I hear something from outside of my house I have a flash of fear that it's the Casualty Notification Officers.
Please pray for all of those families of the fallen. It's something that's said a lot, but I just thought I'd throw a little reminder out there.
Update:
First of all, I'm dum. I keep forgetting that Husband is a captain now, but he's still a platoon leader.
Second of all the day after I wrote this post he called me to tell me that he lost his first man. A Sgt. in his platoon was bitten by a tick. I don't know all the details clearly, but there was an outbreak disease or something and he was flown to Germany where his family joined him and he later passed. You go to war and of all the things... a tick. Thank you all for your positive thoughts and prayers. I, for one, am overwhelmed by the situation and when I make the effort to pray to the God that I do believe in I am stricken with the question that maybe my prayers have nothing to do with the ultimate Plan. Or whatever. Men will fight, people will die. Peace is an ever present question and a motive on a horizon that many parched citizens see as a mirage. This, however, does not change the fact that many good men and women are fighting and dying for something that they believe in. Views clash and people die. Maybe it is for this view I hold that I could not be considered the typical military wife.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh, God. Make it stop.
To my kids I am Mother
To Husband I am Wife
To myself I am regretful
To you I am a train wreck
To the world I am a curiosity
To this bottle of wine
I am the executioner.
To Husband I am Wife
To myself I am regretful
To you I am a train wreck
To the world I am a curiosity
To this bottle of wine
I am the executioner.
Don't read this shit.
I missed his call today
I am ashamed to say
who said I'd be
at his beck and call
anyway
Fuck. My. Life.
Mil-wife-blogger representin'
wicka wicka wicka-ch (turntable <---)
I am ashamed to say
who said I'd be
at his beck and call
anyway
Fuck. My. Life.
Mil-wife-blogger representin'
wicka wicka wicka-ch (turntable <---)
Drunken Master
Blah blargh bla blog.
Dear Journal.
But seriously.
Nah. I got nuthin.
Ha! Fooled you!
Dur, Maiden writes some deep shit sometimes.
But most of the time she's full of shit.
Please allow me to fade out.
Fuck you I'm faded anyhow.
Blogs are dum, OMFG.
Dear Journal.
But seriously.
Nah. I got nuthin.
Ha! Fooled you!
Dur, Maiden writes some deep shit sometimes.
But most of the time she's full of shit.
Please allow me to fade out.
Fuck you I'm faded anyhow.
Blogs are dum, OMFG.
Friday, September 4, 2009
y2k
It was the summer of my fifteenth year, budding beauty confused by the hazy smoke of illegal thrills. I had friends, well they weren’t friends but they were adults and they thought it was cool to hook me up. There was Brent, he lived in our house and had a Rottweiler. He was twenty-nine and a perfect gentleman. Every weekend he gave me a film can of weed and I smoked it up and smoked it out. He rented a room from my mom. She thought he was upstanding, he thought I was a cool kid, and I thought he was just a hookup.
Then there was Chelsea, a college student like Brent. But she was a little bit younger and I was still fifteen. Like Brent, she thought I was really mature for my age, a good drinking buddy and fun to take to parties. She never let her friends hit on me, but she didn’t have to worry much because I had a mouth on me. I remember some wiry fucker trying to get sweet. I remember telling him that he was too short and I was only interested in men that could walk upright. People laughed and thought I was some sort of entertainment but I was still fifteen.
Then there was Angela. Angela had a son who was about five. They rented a room in our house just like the others had. Angela, drunken Angela. She would say she had to go run an errand and could we please watch her son. The next day she would come stumbling into our house fresh from the drunk tank and Zack, I think his name was, would be glad to see his mommy. One night Zack was with his grandparents and Angela decided she wanted to go pick him up. It was midnight, she didn’t have a car and I was still fifteen. We walked. The nights were warm then and the stars shone and I was fearless. There was a 7-11 off of East Ave and we stopped because I saw my friend Jake. His cousin was in town and Angela offered to buy us all booze if they could front the cash. They did and she did and we drank in the playground at the elementary school down the street. Angela drank the most and dragged Jake’s cousin out into the field. Jake’s cousin laid her in the field beyond the playground. I remember seeing his white ass pumping and shining in the moonlight. I remember crying and trying to comprehend that this woman was a mother. Jake shook his head and the cousin came walking back saying Angela was passed out and she’d had the sloppiest cunt he’d ever encountered. I left her and went home. She eventually got arrested down the street from our house with her pants off begging some sixteen year old to fuck her. I knew she was making a scene and I kept Zack on my lap in the house and we played with digital pictures of ourselves on the computer. Digital pictures were new to us back then. He laughed sweetly with me while his mother shamed herself in the worst. The grandparents got custody of Zack. I got stuck with the memories.
Zack would be almost fifteen now. He wouldn’t remember me but I think of him often. I hope that he’s well on his way to becoming a good man even though the last time I checked the odds weren’t in his favor.
Then there was Chelsea, a college student like Brent. But she was a little bit younger and I was still fifteen. Like Brent, she thought I was really mature for my age, a good drinking buddy and fun to take to parties. She never let her friends hit on me, but she didn’t have to worry much because I had a mouth on me. I remember some wiry fucker trying to get sweet. I remember telling him that he was too short and I was only interested in men that could walk upright. People laughed and thought I was some sort of entertainment but I was still fifteen.
Then there was Angela. Angela had a son who was about five. They rented a room in our house just like the others had. Angela, drunken Angela. She would say she had to go run an errand and could we please watch her son. The next day she would come stumbling into our house fresh from the drunk tank and Zack, I think his name was, would be glad to see his mommy. One night Zack was with his grandparents and Angela decided she wanted to go pick him up. It was midnight, she didn’t have a car and I was still fifteen. We walked. The nights were warm then and the stars shone and I was fearless. There was a 7-11 off of East Ave and we stopped because I saw my friend Jake. His cousin was in town and Angela offered to buy us all booze if they could front the cash. They did and she did and we drank in the playground at the elementary school down the street. Angela drank the most and dragged Jake’s cousin out into the field. Jake’s cousin laid her in the field beyond the playground. I remember seeing his white ass pumping and shining in the moonlight. I remember crying and trying to comprehend that this woman was a mother. Jake shook his head and the cousin came walking back saying Angela was passed out and she’d had the sloppiest cunt he’d ever encountered. I left her and went home. She eventually got arrested down the street from our house with her pants off begging some sixteen year old to fuck her. I knew she was making a scene and I kept Zack on my lap in the house and we played with digital pictures of ourselves on the computer. Digital pictures were new to us back then. He laughed sweetly with me while his mother shamed herself in the worst. The grandparents got custody of Zack. I got stuck with the memories.
Zack would be almost fifteen now. He wouldn’t remember me but I think of him often. I hope that he’s well on his way to becoming a good man even though the last time I checked the odds weren’t in his favor.
Happy Anniversary
Best five years of my life, babe. I love you and don't think that just because you're deployed means you can get away with forgetting. I'm going to treat myself to a nice romantic frozen dinner and cable TV to celebrate.
One of these years we should spend an anniversary together. Actually, nevermind, I hate the pressure of buying presents anyways. And every time you buy me flowers the cats eat em and throw up on the carpet. So I guess I'm good. Hope you are too.
But seriously, if you get to blow something up... think of me sweetly.
Update:
Holy ninja husband Batman! I just got the flowers. Don't know how he finagled it but that's pretty funny.
You know you're a military wife when you've gotten flowers delivered to your door instead of by the husband for Valentine's day, Mother's day, and your anniversary all in the same year. It's better than nothing so I'm not complaining!
One of these years we should spend an anniversary together. Actually, nevermind, I hate the pressure of buying presents anyways. And every time you buy me flowers the cats eat em and throw up on the carpet. So I guess I'm good. Hope you are too.
But seriously, if you get to blow something up... think of me sweetly.
Update:
Holy ninja husband Batman! I just got the flowers. Don't know how he finagled it but that's pretty funny.
You know you're a military wife when you've gotten flowers delivered to your door instead of by the husband for Valentine's day, Mother's day, and your anniversary all in the same year. It's better than nothing so I'm not complaining!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Ho hum...
warm cheeks and wistful thoughts
such a frenzy within me
your comments have brought
some connection to you
I strive for, obsess
yet I only receive
a bit more than less
I'll take what I can
you know this to be true
only one man could do this
it could only be you
such a frenzy within me
your comments have brought
some connection to you
I strive for, obsess
yet I only receive
a bit more than less
I'll take what I can
you know this to be true
only one man could do this
it could only be you
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Would You Publish Maiden?
Let's find out. I've decided to amplify some of my fiction ideas into full forced stories. I've finally been feeling like myself after having two kids in the past two years. What a fuckin' ride it's been. But now that I've gotten my breeding out of the way I feel it's time to focus on my writing. Breeding and Writing... there's a title right there. Anyways, those of you that still come by here from Bane's recommendation: thanks... and stuff. I've been posting a lot of fluff lately. All I've had room for in my head was fluff. The 'whogivesashit' kind of posts. But now I have time (and wine) to myself at night and the words are all coming back to me.
I love writing.
So the fluff will continue, but the fun fiction stuff I'll keep to myself. If this motivation stays with me I'll let you know when the book is out. Could be a couple of years, could be five or ten. Could be never. But hell, the more I read current fiction the less intimidated I am by the competition. I don't mean to insult writers everywhere, the mere fact that the authors I'm referring to have been published means that they are better than me. For now. I'm young, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm in over my head. I feel strangely comfortable.
I love writing.
So the fluff will continue, but the fun fiction stuff I'll keep to myself. If this motivation stays with me I'll let you know when the book is out. Could be a couple of years, could be five or ten. Could be never. But hell, the more I read current fiction the less intimidated I am by the competition. I don't mean to insult writers everywhere, the mere fact that the authors I'm referring to have been published means that they are better than me. For now. I'm young, I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm in over my head. I feel strangely comfortable.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Oh My Gir
This compilation is a little intense, especially if Gir is new to you. But I just watched it and was startled by how much my little Gremlin is like Gir. It all makes sense now, she really is my evil minion from outer space. Exactly 2 minutes and 54 seconds into it is the most accurate comparison of the two.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Play Metallica and They Will Calm
Lately I've been trying to only listen to peaceful music like Enya and Iron & Wine. I don't even like Enya, but I'll resort to anything to bring peace into my life right now. I guess I've just been hoping that it will help keep my stress down. When both kids start crying in the car I desperately scroll through my iPhone to find Enya and they just raise their volume that much more to drown out the weaker sounds in the car. Obviously it wasn't really doing the trick. So the other day in the car I threw Ride the Lightning on. The Gremlin immediately stopped hollering as loud as she could and started banging her head. The Amoeba hushed his crying and sniffled quietly while listening to the intricacies of the music. That's when I realized that I just need to be true to myself. My kids love metal, and that's why I continue to allow them to thrive. Amoeba was in the womb during a Metallica concert, so he's got that going for him. I think my children just have a need to dominate. Don't know where they'd get that from... So I just need to take the more aggressive approach with them. Even though I want to foster a healthy environment for budding megalomaniacs, they still need to respect the fact that they must first bow to me.
But those little fuckers will suck the life right out of me if I let 'em. Don't worry, I will prevail.
I'm a good mom.
Atreyu does the trick, too.
But those little fuckers will suck the life right out of me if I let 'em. Don't worry, I will prevail.
I'm a good mom.
Atreyu does the trick, too.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sleep Now
and gently hold yourself
the lonely embrace of a lover lost
not in death but in life
lost in a crowded world of hatred
the bombs shudder the floor beneath you
I shudder at the thought
and wish I could hold you
the lonely embrace of a lover lost
not in death but in life
lost in a crowded world of hatred
the bombs shudder the floor beneath you
I shudder at the thought
and wish I could hold you
Let The Rage In Me Subside
I suffer in the breath of a sigh
I sigh more than I mean to
It can always be worse
But the pain in the moment
Is more than I can bare
I sigh more than I mean to
It can always be worse
But the pain in the moment
Is more than I can bare
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
America's Next Top Couch Potato
I got cable for the first time in 6 years and I've been watching all of the rediculous reality shows. So far my favorite one is America's Next Top Model. I want to go down to LA and try out. I would so kick ass. You don't even have to be that pretty! Tyra would send all the other girls home as soon as she saw me...
But then I would have to get off of my couch. And lose 30 pounds. And sell my soul. America's just not ready for me anyways.
But then I would have to get off of my couch. And lose 30 pounds. And sell my soul. America's just not ready for me anyways.
Every Day
Is like a marathon.
Well, I had a second to post something, that's a good sign.
I wish I had more time to play video games.
Husband, I know you're like, sucking in the desert right now... but... wanna trade? At least the men that you're looking after can wipe their own asses. I hope. You know, Husband, if you do stop by here you could leave a comment now and then so that I know you're out there. Sigh.
Time to go melt into a puddle while the kiddo's gear up for torturing me the rest of the day.
'Til next time.
Well, I had a second to post something, that's a good sign.
I wish I had more time to play video games.
Husband, I know you're like, sucking in the desert right now... but... wanna trade? At least the men that you're looking after can wipe their own asses. I hope. You know, Husband, if you do stop by here you could leave a comment now and then so that I know you're out there. Sigh.
Time to go melt into a puddle while the kiddo's gear up for torturing me the rest of the day.
'Til next time.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Candle Lit Blogging
My power is out. This is awesome. Thank god I picked up a couple new books today. Well, the kids are both sleeping and I can't foresee this being an emergency quite yet so I'm going to try and relax.
It has been about an hour, though... This is America!!! How long's it gonna take?! Sigh.
Blogged from my iPhone.
It has been about an hour, though... This is America!!! How long's it gonna take?! Sigh.
Blogged from my iPhone.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I Miss You.
it was always your smile
...or maybe your hair
you had those cool
sideburns
we drank a lot of coffee then
a lot of coffee
now we drink
booze
I loved the way it felt
to run my nose
up your neck and kiss your
ear
now I have your pillow
and I can't wash the sheets
because I don't want to lose your
smell
we always said we
wanted to be together forever
now we just say we wish we could be
together
I would study your face
not wanting to forget any detail
now I can't see you as clearly without a
photograph
it's been too long
since you've held me
yet it will be so much
longer
and I will always wait
wait wait wait wait wait
for
you
...or maybe your hair
you had those cool
sideburns
we drank a lot of coffee then
a lot of coffee
now we drink
booze
I loved the way it felt
to run my nose
up your neck and kiss your
ear
now I have your pillow
and I can't wash the sheets
because I don't want to lose your
smell
we always said we
wanted to be together forever
now we just say we wish we could be
together
I would study your face
not wanting to forget any detail
now I can't see you as clearly without a
photograph
it's been too long
since you've held me
yet it will be so much
longer
and I will always wait
wait wait wait wait wait
for
you
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